Bar Mitvah
Speech given by Gibora Goldberger, mother of Nachum Goldberger
Shabbos Nachamu, July 20, 2002
Today is Shabbos
Nachamu. Even though we were initially stunned by the coincidence we later conceded
that nothing happens by accident. Today is a day of immense bracha - blessing,
and simcha - a celebration, for our son and brother having reached his 13th
birthday. It is not a bar mitzvah. Rather today is an acknowledgement of a rite
of passage that should be or that might be someday. For our family it is
recognition of endurance, of loving and caring without limits or boundaries,
and most significantly of sibling support that has given us the greatest pride
two parents could have possibly ever hoped for. Our celebration won’t happen in
typical fashion, but will hopefully happen in a way that will make a small
difference in all our lives.
The bracha and ruach,
the blessing and joy, of today’s rite of passage will be celebrated by you, but
please accept that it might not be realized by Nachum. His senses overload with
commotion, and his wiring simply gets in the way of being able to process too
much attention,. His disability restricts and alters his tolerance to excessive
stimulation. Out of knowing him and being able to predict outcome, we
cautiously gauge his exposure to potential reaction. If you look around and
he’s not here; please don’t think he’s being robbed of the moment - he’s just
being protected.
Being a true bar mitzvah
will not happen for Nachum because it implies one grasps, with relative
knowledge, what role he plays in his Judaism and what limitations and freedoms
there are in his beliefs and actions. Nachum will never be expected to
participate in his Judaism as an adult and never be judged on his level of
observance. True bar mitzvah will not happen because Nachum will never be held
accountable for halachic obligations.
It is, on the other
hand, Chaim and I, Nachum’s siblings, and all Jews who interact with Nachum who
will be accountable. It falls to us to make certain he keeps the Shabbat, eats
only kosher foods, maintains sniut, and keeps any and all mitzvot and Torah
commandments to the very best of our ability! If the first ten years have been
difficult, those ahead of us will be monumental, and we daven for Hashem’s
infinite patience and bracha.
But what is a bracha?
It is a blessing that we
have received or it is what we ask to be bestowed. There are Brachot that we
enlist on a regular basis. What stands out in my mind this morning is blessing
our children on Friday night. This bracha is tender and heartfelt, as we
beseech Hashem to strengthen our children like the sons of Yosef who grew
strong in Torah and mitzvot while living among the Mitzri. Last night we had
the distinct and rare honor of giving that blessing to all of our 10 children
at our Shabbat table and our three eager grandchildren.
By invoking Hashem’s
involvement we continue and sanctify a partnership with G-d. We say formal brachot going to sleep and
waking up, before and after eating, being a man or a woman, taking a trip,
leaving the bathroom, seeing a rainbow, under the chuppah and at a bris, the
priestly blessing, after being spared injury, for rain, putting on tziszus, to
bring in the sabbath or to say good bye to it, listing only a precious few.
Most observant Jews when answering a simple salutation like “How are you?” say
“Baroch Hashem” “Thanks to The Almighty”
I think a Bracha can
also be a simple wish. When we make a wish, or just spontaneously daven to be
blessed, we are asking for something we feel is out of our normal reach -
something that we hope to be heavenly granted. It means we have conjured a
need, we feel emotional suffering or physical pain, we want strength, or we
want something for someone else. We expect that G-d should provide it, if we’ve
been well behaved and deserving, or because we daven with sufficient kavanah -
that is; pray with genuine sincerity, or because we know that G-d is merciful.
It is vital to remember
that in our brachot that we ask with true sincerity for the “right thing” be
granted and that G-d’s will is done, so we ask to be blessed, and we offer
thanks for blessings received. In doing so we are kept from being thieves, from
stealing what has or has not yet been granted; by acknowledging all things come
only from Hashem. We require Hashem’s involvement in everything, in all aspects
of our lives and we are sustained by our brachot.
I was always taught that
when asking Hashem for something, we will receive one of three answers, yes,
no, or wait awhile. It’s good advice but it doesn’t take into account that
sometimes we receive a bracha only to discover we didn’t really understand the
full impact of what we were asking. We fall into that category!
We adored our 7 children
so much, we wanted more. We davened for a long time for more babies. In 1992 we
responded to an urgent call in the Chicago orthodox community to be foster
parents to Jewish children who would otherwise go into non-Jewish homes. Our
goal was always to give that child the fair start in life that he might not
have had. Enter a 3 ½ yr old named Nachum.
Children are always a
bracha. Some babies are, at the onset, a frightening challenge and as they grow
become even more taxing to their parent’s endurance and to the equilibrium of
their family. Sometimes as they’re growing-up we find “ourselves” having
growing pains “with” them. To be fair, all children, in one way or another
disrupt the dynamics of the household, but all are a true and beautiful
blessing when loving and bonding develop without bounds. For disabled children
this is a given, and the bracha in this is that we all learn to find out about
our true selves.
For obvious reason we
were asked to meet Nachum before we made a commitment., and we first saw him as
a patient in Children’s Hospital pediatric psych unit. He had long wispy blonde
hair and a haunting stare. It was love at first sight, and we felt immensely
blessed to be given the opportunity to fulfill such an enormous mitzvah.
At 3 ½ Nachum had just
been diagnosed with autism (by today’s standards it was too late to offer
significant intervention). Those early months and years were startling, and our
lives have never been the same. We got the bracha we asked for, but it didn’t
end there.
Chaim had raised six
children, and for over 30 years part of his full time Cantorial
responsibilities included being a Hebrew school teacher and tutor. Although I’d
only raised one child, I had also taught school and worked in the mental health
field for twenty five years. None of this experience came in handy! Day after
day we were at complete loss, and just when we thought we might have the hang
of it, Nachum’s stage would change and everything tossed to the wind. In many
ways, Nachum’s birth brother, our darling baby, Yechiel, was the bracha that
helped us hold it together time and again.
But, it was indeed
Nachum’s continued progress that gave us hope and the courage to plunge into
another day, another month and another year. Six years later when the adoption
opportunity finally came there was no turning back. We were a family, and it’s
too late once there’s love.
In relating the history
of our little ones, some people whisper to us “why were obviously incapable
parents blessed with children”, or even more odious; “why does Hashem allow
sick children to be born?” We never needed to ponder an answer to that
question; we rapidly discovered that special needs children come into the world
and into our lives to test our chesed. Children in general and special needs
children in particular are the conduit of how patient, gentle, humane,
creative, indulgent or incapable we can be. Sometimes we pass the test and
sometimes we don’t. We’re given a decade or so to figure it out.
I’ve always insisted our
boys keep their payos, even though as parents, we don’t necessarily fit that
image, (and despite our many hassidish mishpachah who probably snicker at our
mix ‘n match observance). The reason is simple. When I look at my three young
boys those payot remind me of how precious are each neshamah. I want to be
reminded that Hashem has entrusted them into our care not only to love and feed
and clothe, but to be raised as committed Jews and to instill Torah values that
we as adoptive parents are answerable for.
Adoption has very
special meaning for our family on many different levels and it is always a
bitter/sweet bracha. I’ve become an intensely outspoken advocate of adoption
because I know first hand it is the single most important component in changing
lives...that is, the life of the child and the life of the parent. In addition
to the scores and scores of people who long for a child in their lives, there
are between 80-150K adoptable children in this country alone every year. One
only has to spend a second on the adoption web site to find seemingly endless
photographs of marketed kids; children with wide soulful eyes, precious smiles
and very sad histories. Apart from social service agencies and the depts of
children and family services in every state, The Jewish Children’s Network in
Denver specializes in the adoption of Jewish children.
They place approximately
100 Jewish children a year, ½ are infants and the other half school age
children, some are biracial. Many have disabilities, some from abuse and
neglect, and some are emotionally disabled simply from being in the system;
which is to say they need an extra measure of love. When people ask us why did
we adopt, I say why don’t you?
Like giving birth,
adopting is a frightening & joyous occasion. Adopting a special needs child
is no different. To those of you who are touched in some positive way because
you perceive our lives as selfless sacrifice. don’t be deceived - we didn’t
know it would be like this. To those of you who have seen us overly stern,
demanding and strict, don’t be deceived - we hate this side of our
personalities. Unfortunately experience has dictated we need to be tough and
consistent, not only for our own sanity and the safety of others, but more
importantly for our children’s development into decent & independent human
beings.
It’s comforting to
recall that Torah’s most celebrated personalities were all adopted: Yosef,
Ruth, Esther, and Moshe Rabainu were all given a second chance at life by their
adopted families, and that 2nd chance allowed them to literally save
Klal Yisrael. The sadness of their lives was turned into brachot for them and
for all generations of the Jewish people.
Adopting is saying you
are not from my body, but you are from my heart. Adopting is getting that
extraordinary high and jubilant pride in doing the unusual, the humbling
mitzvah no one else wants to do. It is diminishing the self and taking on the
unconditional care of others, and adoption is forever.
In maintaining our deep
commitment to adoption we have elected to adopt families is Israel who have
lost parents or children or been personal victims of terrorism. All of Nachum’s
gifts from today’s simcha will be sent to help, in some small way, these
families and individuals.
SO TODAY IS SHABBOS
NACHAMU! The haftorah today was set down by Yishayahu, and in his prophecies
“nachamu nachamu ami yamar Elokim” (console, console), “comfort, comfort My
people, says your G-D.” Ibn Ezra, Rashi and Redak all agree that this prophecy
addresses the messianic redemption / and we are so ready for that.
Yishayahu castigates the
pagan nations for their blatant ignorance in believing in empty idols, and he
warns klal Yisrael to seek the truth. Redak expounds that when we reach to
truly grasp the workings of the world we will realize that only Hashem is the
true Creator and He is The Guide we must listen to with our hearts and minds.
Then we will knoe that the world has an order, and it is created for our joy.
Hashem guides it, but we must care for it according to His plan, and only then
will we understand that nothing comes about by accident.
Redak calls our
attention to the four elements of the of the world: air, fire, water and earth.
He explains further with a mushal that sees “the world as a house, with the heavens
as a ceiling, like candles in the house. The plants of the earth are like a set
table, and the owner of the house is The Almighty. Man is in this world like an
employee, and The Owner has put him in charge of the affairs of the house.
Although he has lived in the house all his life, he has never seen the Owner,
but is told to constantly do what pleases the Master, as at any moment, the
Owner will appear and ask for an accounting of his deeds. If he neglects his
responsibilities, the Owner will discharge him. But the employee foolishly
thinks himself the master of the house, and since he cannot see The Owner
believes that no accounting will ever be made. He eats and drinks as he wishes,
not caring that the house has an owner or that he will be held accountable.
When The Owner hears of his attitudes and of his tactics He will surely expel
him from the house with wrath.
The Master of the
universe places mankind in charge of the lower world. If man, unlike the
pagans, applies his intellect and understands that the world cannot be without
a master who guides and arranges all things, then he will always try to please
Him. If man is foolish and does not give thought to the Almighty, not caring
whether there is a master or not, but follows his own desires, G-d will expel
him from the world and withhold His bracha. Only The Master of the Universe
makes wealthy and poor, makes humble and raises up.
How appropriate this
haftorah is to our lives. We are all obligated to take care of The Almighty’s
house, to be caretakers of all the earth’s gifts and all its inhabitants. The
reward is pleasing G-d. We are daily humbled by the task we’ve taken on and we
daven to be raised up by seeking each day to do the wishes of The Owner of the
house. I want to be assured that when Hashem looks down on me He can point to
me and say, “that’s one of Mine.”
But reward plays a funny
mind-game with us. I apologize to those who believe that special needs children
have a greater kesher with the heavens, and that autistic people have these
intense spiritual powers that give them some extraterrestrial pipeline to The
Almighty. I scoff and I am even offended when people insist that Nachum just
may be a great holy man underneath the obvious. I’m sorry but I don’t have to
convince myself of any of this sugar coating in order to accept him or to make
caring for him more palatable. I don’t need it. We learn to love that which we
nurture and I love him from the depths of my heart irrespective of any
celebrity status he may have in heaven.
Clever and unique, on
the other hand, he is. We’ve always known that Nachum understood much of what
went on around him. Symptomatic of autism, his awareness is heightened to a
point of being able to hear the traffic, see the birds, feel the running water,
and your voice all at the same time; its like glasses & a hearing aide that
don’t filter or discriminate distance, pitch, or volume. Its a bracha with a
price. One sound may anger him while a sight may delight him, and while he may
be drawn in different simultaneous directions, never think he isn’t smart
enough to know it and use it to cuddle, or bite, or just ignore you.
A therapist suggested
that Nachum is so smart he knows when people think he’s dumb; and he uses it to
play with you. He understands that he can let people in on it; or not. He knows
if you respect him or think he’s a toy. He also knows the rules and knows when
and how to rock-your-boat, by breaking the rules, so staying with his game-plan
takes enormous energy. After 10 years our fuel tank is getting lower - faster;
we daven for brachot of patience and skill, sensitivity and courage, and the
knowledge to recognize when our function in his life is accomplished.
We’ve done our very best
to insure that Nachum is exposed to positive and spiritual role models. Happy
Minyan has provided us with more than we could have ever asked. Thank you our
Happy Minyan family and the scores of friends we’ve made here. Thank you to the
people who rush to cuddle Zechariah, those who encourage Yechiel’s drumming and
delight in his beautiful smile, and those who never fail to greet Nachum and
readily receive his hugs. Thank you to some very close friends who have become
devoted listeners. We’ve never found this in any other shul, either here or in
Chicago, and you should know what a bracha Happy Minyan is to our family, and
how truly special you are. Happy Minyan has made us exceedingly happy.
We acknowledge the
presence today of the many professional staff who help us through each week
with straight talk, genuine concern for the well-being of our family as a
package, and endless hours of helping us network.
Now it may come as a
surprise to many of you, my family included, that I only recently began to
grasp to enormity and permanency of Nachum’s disability. I’ve lived in denial
for a long time thinking Nachum simply recalcitrant. And I’ve clung to the hope
that things would change, if only this medication or a Jewish school, this
therapist or that method, or maybe one day he’d bump his head and just be fine.
I take you into my confidence that I’m afraid and we seek answers everyday of
our lives for either solution or soothing. Most significantly, we’re learning
daily that it has to do with keeping brachot in perspective:
Nachum will never
understand his Judaism or learn to daven, he’ll never speak a bracha, he’ll
never argue over the limitations of kashrut, lay tefillin, dream of backpacking
in Israel, sit in Yeshiva pouring over an impossible blatt gemorah, or be the
shomer at his chevrusah’s chasinah, but he’ll also never declare himself an
atheist.
We know that Nachum will
never play chess, have a sleep over friend. build a model airplane, understand
what an uncle is, make us breakfast, read a book, dream of being an astronaut,
win a science fare ribbon, or ride his bike with other kids on the block, but
he’ll also never crash the family car.
He’ll never want his own
CD, have endless chats with a girl on the phone, or go on a shidduch date, but
he’ll also never get a girl in trouble, download pornography, or announce he’s
gay.
He’ll never open his
first bank account with his first paycheck, get a merit raise or a promotion,
invent a better way to do a job, or train another person at work, but neither
will he run up credit cards or fight with his siblings over inheritance.
He’ll never help his aba
repair a chair, have his own Swiss army knife, sing in a choir, accomplish a
musical instrument, or go off to graduate school, but he’ll also never get
drunk or high or waste thousands of dollars by flunking out.
Nachum will never get
married / or divorced.
He’ll never understand
who Rashi or Malbim are, but he’ll also not know from the likes of Pharaoh,
Hitler or Arafat.
He’ll not ever grasp Yom
Kippur, Pesach or Tisha b’Av, a shalom zuchar, or a vort. He won’t get aba’s
birthday, or a peace rally or Earth Day. But nether will he understand disease,
hatred, racism, or death.
He’ll never speak a
bracha!
Chaim and I and Yechiel
have all had dreams that Nachum could speak, but what good can that do, and
what could it mean? Well Jimminy Cricket sang “A dream is a wish your heart
makes, when you’re fast asleep.” More complex, Yaacov dreamed of a ladder from
heaven to earth seeing souls go up and down and Yeheskal dreamed of dry bones
coming together to form beings. I would never suggest our dreams are the nevuah
of the prophets but certainly The Almighty sees our dreams and knows the wishes
of our hearts. But as these are all beyond Nachum’s understanding then, please
Hashem, through our deepest wishes, somehow let him know that his family loves
him, that we will keep him from harm, and that we will always have dreams for
him.
This day is because of
Nachum, but it can not be only about him.
In a world overwhelmed
with fear, mistrust and prejudice, we can always count on the siblings of special
needs children to grow-up recognizing that its not “always about me.” They
learn to cope with loss, and they are genuine in accepting human differences.
We know that our seven adult children have more than grown to understand this,
and we recognize that Nachum has been the springboard for teaching us all about
the frailties and complexities of life. We trust that in our care, Yechiel and
Zechariah will learn these values as well.
We acknowledge today our
seven adult children who have joined us for this extraordinary celebration.
It’s not easy blending his, hers and ours. We’ve hurdled the rough spots
because there is genuine love among our children. Once over the initial shock
of gaining three more brothers, they have, without reservation, opened their hearts
to our little ones.
There are precious few
parents who can thank Hashem as we do, with genuine honesty, that all of our
adult children are healthy, self sufficient, good & decent people. We are
filled with immeasurable joy that they have joined us for this simcha & we
want to publicly thank them for teaching us tolerance, and love without
judgment. We respect your life choices & we are exceedingly proud of all of
your accomplishments. Chaim and I acknowledge our 10 children, our 10 brachos
with love and endless gratitude to The Almighty.
While Nachum will never
speak a bracha; perhaps he can wish for a blessing or dream a bracha or somehow
realize that we daven for blessings for him every day of our lives. We want to
believe that in his way he will seek out and grasp the blessings of Hashem. May
he, in some measure, recognize that being well feels better than being sick,
that a full tummy feels better than hunger pains, that a clean warm bed is
cozy; and, that he is blessed to have these.
We embrace that
blessings can be realized in differing ways in all of life’s passages and even
in the innocence of those passages; and innocence Nachum has in abundance. Even
though there is an endless list of unaccomplishments, of joy and pain he will
never grasp, there is so much to be grateful for in his own enormous progress
and in having Nachum in our lives.
Today’s simcha is a
celebration of Nachum’s bracha to us and to his undeniable purity of soul.